Farewell

I write this post while crying and I'm swearing it's the truth. I know I started to act childish and selfish thinking not as correct as it should be.

I just blown off my chance to spend the rest day with him but In the end I just leave him because I was sleeping and keep blaming my self why you being so stupid because you leave him and you can't never and ever see him again...

I'm sad, and I don't know when I could see him again. I keep thinking "please let me home before departure, please.." because I want to see him again and again and again~ and stop hurt him.

I do cried after read some chat history before he left. It's painful, it keeps making me tearing over and over again. I do realize that we both can't move on and stuck in the same points where we both need each other. 

to be honest I'm aware of his feelings and my own true feelings, this isn't a lie this isn't fake this is the truth, I'm not dizzy I'm steady, I'm not lying I'm being honest and the deepest and the darkest sea won't be compared with how deep it is. (poetic? idk I'm just hopeless)
I'm trying to cheer my self with words but it won't work~ I'm craving for his presence. He's the one who always got my back~ please If I could turn on the time, I could go back and talk to him over and over and over, waited till he falls asleep.

but i can't and it's a regrets, this is for you, I'm sorry i can't properly said I'm sorry and also goodbye because i can't say it properly. I'm so lost now and yet I'm sad. when I said goodbye it's like let go the bonds that we've create, and I don't want it~ this is quite a real pain~ really a pain~

he do things for me and I just treat him like that, well he had a right to mad at me and yell at me but he didn't do it, ~ oh my God what i just do? I let someone dear to my heart just go.

I want to see him more often after this quarantine. 

thank you for the song, you reminds me to keeps happy yet when ever i hear it I felt happy and miss you in the same time,

thank you and my feelings won't change for you since the first time i said it to you

Rainbow - South Border

When I'm home I'll be waiting there for you. Missing you and smiling to welcome you back

best regards,

Bella..

I love Kebaya!

Good morning :) since it's 12 am already.. 

  And I'm as fresh as a horse (what kind of proverb is that?)

Nevermind anyway~ Today when I was shopping I bought this shinning blouse, 

    they called it "Kebaya"

Perhaps you guys were asking, 

         "What actually Kebaya is?" 

                                  "How to wear it? What kind of occasion that we wear kebaya?"

  Hold on guys! :) I'll tell about it One by ONE :D

  Q : 

What is kebaya? 

A :

 A traditional blouse-dress combination, worn by women from Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, Burma, Singapore and also Southern Thailand. It made from sheer material such as silk, thin cotton or 

semi-transparent nylon or polyester and adorned with barocade or floral pattern embriodery.

Usually worn with sarung, or long batik, and also with other traditional woven garment as ikat,

songket with colorful motif. Kebaya is a national costume of Indonesia, because it's more accurately endemic to Javanese, Sundanese and Balinese people

Q :  

How to wear it? and what occasion?

A : 

Wearing a kebaya is like wearing a buttoned blouse, you have to wear inner first 

and then the kebaya or Indonesian people also created modern kebaya with a zipper infront of it 

so it should be easy to use and to wear :)

what kind of occasion hm?

well, It could be used for casual if it's the modern kebaya one , so they can pair it with jeans :)

but if the traditional one usually wear for wedding ceremony or formal occasion

they also wear kebaya too for  dance :)

Here's some pics of my kebaya :DD

Do I look weird?
a Chinese girl with kebaya :D

Again I felt not so comfy since I sit like Japanese people :D

Sitting like that makes my legs numb :3

My kebaya with a long Batik :) i like the underneath of my batik :)

haha~ so formal? not really I made a stupid face at right one :D

Hi ! I'm the next mojang karawang ( Miss Karawang ) *lols* 

*wishing to be true*

Nighty night guys thanks for come over :)

See ya till next post! *waves*

my fear

What did you think about heavy rain?

- Lots of water droplets.

- Lightning strikes anything.

- The sound of the thunder.



I always love rain, but yet get scared of heavy rain,

And now, I feel heavy rain already poured lots of water droplets.
The lighting strikes anything that I have and I treasure the most.
I'm scared the powerful wind just blow me away and I have nothing to hold on to.

That's the analogy to describes what I feel now.

Angelo, honestly I consider him as my friend. He helped me with my essay and I said something wrong and he pissed off or either disappointed. Then he said he'll leave me. He's the best kind of friend that I've ever had. He understands me a lot and I keep wishing that he shouldn't be gone. Since I really like being around him. If he read this I wanted to say that this is, isn't his fault, it's mine. I'm being fake because i'm afraid of being lonely

That also associate me with my boyfriend, Rafael Tria. He's such a good man and he cares a lot for me, He always there waiting for me. He tries his best to make me happy and smiles. And I let him down because I'm getting busy and he lacked of my attentions. We had a big argue today. To be honest he's my guy. He is the guy who knows me and I can't let him go. A year with him were amazing and I got addicted to him. I don't want it to stop. He's my happiness, what would I do without him? I love being in love with him.

It also relates to my best friend, Brandon. I shouldn't let you talk to me in the beginning, I know that you are so nice to me and thanks for being my friend. Thanks a lot to show me how cool friendship could it be, and how hard you survived. How people being unfair to you but you have to face it. I'm sorry to say like that to you, I know it's unfair , I should know better that you could be my friend who can always gives me great advice about anything and debating with me. I'm afraid that you can't accept my history and my past.

You guys , each of you got something that I really scared of ...

The one that I love have my happiness, My right hand man have my trust and my best friend have the power of acceptance/


I'm sorry if I do stupid things, being idiot who can't express herself , being drama queen , I hate being praised, I keep making people hurt and sad and make them keep waiting for uncertainty.

I'm afraid if I had to lose them that I consider as my best friend. They helped me and I'm grateful.

If only I could turn time, I wish I don't want to make mistakes. Since they are my real friends. I want to apology for everything that I did... I can't say much I wish you guys know how sorry I am, I know my words are the only thing that could hold on to. But for this time, just let me have them. I don't want to lose them.


nights guys~

Thursday, July 19, 2012
1 : 10 am @ Karawang, Indonesia

leadership inspiration

This is actually one of my task but..
    I really want to share this to you guys also :D

"Why?"

You guys must be questioning :)

Because this is how I see world in my own paradigm and this is how he makes it come true.

"Diversity in the world is a basic characteristic of human society and also the key condition for a lively and dynamic world as we see today."

                                                                                                - Jinato Hu

From the past until now, diversity is one of the major factors of synergism the world. Acceptance and respect from one person to another is what diversity is all about. It's quite common that we always see it in our social life. But, people misunderstood what the true meaning of diversity is itself. Why should they think diversity is a weakness? Should we consider it as a hindrance to everyone?

For example in Indonesia around 241 million people have different bloodlines such as Chinese bloodlines, Indonesian bloodlines, Indian bloodlines and some of European bloodlines. Each city has different ethnics, 5 different religions and many things that could cause them different from others till it's almost impossible to see a person who is really 99% the same like us. These uniqueness and diversity make any country grow stronger because of them, the amazing paradigm came from.

Perhaps you remember one of Napoleon Bonaparte's quote "A leader is a dealer in hope." .

Which shows us that a good leader also brings good hopes, not just empty and fake hopes. Speaking of hope there were many famous leader in Indonesia. Some of them created amazing things that has brought Indonesia one step closer to a whole new level. This leader brought hope to Indonesia. To create a united Indonesia.

That was exactly what he did. He made the minority united with the majority. In Indonesia Chinese is the minority race and he was an Indonesian leader who also had Chinese blood. He helped Chinese race in Indonesia to grow and to express themselves freely and also untied them from racism such as sexual harassment, mass destruction and anti-Chinese paradigm. Because, he knew without the help of Chinese people living in Indonesia, we couldn't taste the feeling of being an independent country.


Around 1967, Chinese people were considered as foreigners which had a lower status than the Indonesian people. Indirectly, they erased Chinese people's right. The freedom of speech was prohibited, forbidden to use Mandarin or Cantonese and even considered that Konghucu (Chinese people's beliefs) wasn't a religion. What was the reason the government did that? Simple answer, they were afraid because Chinese people were considered as communists. And also there were some crucial points happened when it came to the end of president Soeharto's government era. Many Chinese people were murdered, raped,  harassed and assaulted, and many more because of racial demonstration.


 The man who helped Chinese race was  Gus Dur or we called him Abdurahman Wahid. As fresh as a breeze, He was the one who adopted universal humanism when he was the president. He thought that Chinese people deserved to be a part of Indonesia and it's not because he had a little bit of Chinese bloodlines. He revoked laws that forbidding Chinese people from expressing themselves. He gave his biggest appreciation to them and even declared Lunar New Year as national holiday in Indonesia.


Why do I admire Gus Dur? first, because he creates unity between the minority with the majority. what will happened if that unity never appear? me, myself perhaps won't be exist now. I have Chinese bloodlines and perhaps they will hunt my family and killed of my family and another Chinese family. Will Indonesia be the same as the Indonesia we saw today? We saw Indonesia with many race and also ethnic, If there weren't any unity between the minority and the majority, Indonesia won't be as strong as now. Indonesia strong because of the diversity. Different paradigms brings this county move to another level and open the people's mind to a thing that outside our range and understands it instead judging it.


Second, I admire him because he was so commit to do something about humanity. I mean if he were acting so selfish, He would said with or without minority Indonesia would be the same. Same like what Soeharto did in his era. Instead of doing it he made the minority also had the same rights as the other ethnic, he stop all the violence, he stand up for the minority honored the diversity and as Abraham Lincoln say, "everyone is equal". He appreciate each ethnic and bloodlines because their uniqueness and Let the get their rights and free from racism that happened in Indonesia

Transformation

It's so long since I decided to wrote and fill this blog again :D
haha yes! call me lazy and so on~ I just let some inspiration slipped away from my mind.

Anyway months passed by and I've changed slowly,
too bad I can't post it . I wish you guys can follow how much I've been growing up.
you guys gonna be so proud of me ^_^v

I got shocking news yesterday since I getting my eyes checked and the one that checked my eyes said that
my astigmatism gone which is a yay *cheering* and my minus were added till 1.50 which is ... *lower kitty ears*. haha it's pretty awfull from 0.25 on my right eyes to 1.50 both eyes , well I won't lie but I love wearing glasses :D

Next is I got a pair of Chuck Taylor converse and it's color are illusion blue and gray, nyehehe~ I'm so happy and also I got a hair cut. This hair cut makes me remember the time I entered my first year of senior high school. The time I came as a single fighter without no dreams or goal :)

haha I'll post some pic then so you can see me :D

hehe, sorry... :D I should trust my bf, he's right I can't wink :D

haha once, twice, three times failed :D even winking need a lot of effort haha

I'm using Webcam Toy from google apps and it's cool :)

lawls~ glasses on head sooo not cool :D I wiped my glasses after it :D

anyway that's for today! haha see you tmr :DD