Just another day.

it's been a long time that I've wrote another post.

and, I just wanna say for everything that happened to me were happening for some reason.

Looking back at my past, I always online at drrrchat. last year, with kyle, angelo, dylan, and paige. I was childish, mean and slick. I changed. today I stand by myself, being extremely independent, mean and fully developing empathy and also fragile. 

   I remember that day when people still know me and talk to me. Once they stop. They really stop talking to you and that happened. Since Kyle lost memories about me, he don't know me anymore and in the same time, Novy came and replace my spot. I felt like my world was crashed. I had none to depend. Angelo ask me to be friends with novy and also kyle, but i can't. I sense that there's something between novy and angelo itself, I was mad ... and desperate to get attention. Dylan was there when i need someone. I love him, he love me and I never give him answer... until I know, he date Paige. I've determined... I should buried myself in the crowd. between people i don't know and i don't trust. I was like a lost and wounded kitten, who seek for comfort. Those things nurture me in a wrong and right way. makes me play dirty to everyone, I seek praises, I am the perfect friend, daughter, sister, and human. Say nothing anymore... I lost and I start pushes my old friend away from me, particularly Dylan. he talk to me a lot, and so am I...

  I... I was sad. I was an outcast  because of  them ... I try not to look back, burn anything that remind me to them. I was send back home that time and i contact them. Angelo didn't have any time to listen to me, he distracted about how worried he is to Novy being sick than me Going to mental hospital and have a chance to have a suicide action. I do that not because I need attention. I was send to mental hospital because.. Because I can't endure that wound that they create too long. added with some "molesting" that happened and some "tension" at my place that time. I can't hold it... and i think to do a suicide

Dylan was the only one who listen to me and care to me a lot. He came to me to ask me am I okay every time he sees something wrong with my skype. and i keep push him away. and recently he came back to me. I'm glad he came, because i miss him and can't endure more the pain. 

Today I was really grateful that he.. is with me now. and he make me happy in every way. I just love him so much.. more ... He want to help me with my depression and I am glad. very glad he came back. even the guy that I used to love, Angelo. make my chest hurt like hell and makes my tears feels like needles to my eyes. He still calm me down and make me laugh. Dylan's heavy voice, soft gaze really soothe me. I would do anything to make him happy if it should be facing my own self.

hope we last till next month, and next month I will hope the same, "last till next month" and keep on and on :)

because forever is mainstream and ever is too much :)

I love you, Dylan

Vocaloids Video :)

Swing by
In the garden
Last night Good Night
Blue & Cloudy
Gliter
Shake it!
Heaven

help me pick a hairstyle xD

this one?

or this one?

Second picture is this one, scroll down :D

Pretty Christmas and beautiful love :)

Hi minna-san!

I have the best Xmas ever,

We woke up at 8ish waiting everyone to woke up :3 since Tom was the only one who haven't woke up yet.
after that we had breakfast, dad made the most gorgeous cheese pizza.
 Then we started to looked into our stockings! OMG I got lacy gloves and it's pink, it's just sooo awesome!
there's also the fingertip less gloves and hand warmer, leg warmer and more.
the other part of awesomeness was we're going to Boston at new year's eve :D

so we start to open the real gift,
I got fluffy white jacket and PJ from dad's parents, $40 from granddad and Grand Cheryl :3
I got lacy white dress that I wanted and also the cool old vintage watch-necklace that I look at the newburry comics
then 3 books ; The voice, Edgar Allen Poe's Masterpiece, and also the modern poetry 'Letter for My Daughter' , and a pair of awesome converse from my parents. :D
and Thea got me the doll from Wreck-It-Ralph and also the black cat keychain from Kiki the Messenger ;D
Tom got me starter set for jewelery making :D
and Nana got me my starter knitting set and also a cool wool jacket :D I love them and I cried twice :D

then I called my parents, my real parents,
I'm so happy that they have a Christmas tree up even they made it up by themselves, :)
I'm so glad, I am really glad. It mean a lot to me, I believe they appreciate more about what i think :)
so, yes, after that we discuss a lot, we talked how mom lose the vote to go shopping since none back up her choice,
when I was there I always back up my mom's voice  to go shopping :D

after that Sean , my boyfriend texted me he'll dropped my present before lunch.
I tried to persuade him to dressed up I mean, dressed up in nice buttoned shirt, tie , pants and shoes
like what he did at homecoming dance.
he really amazed me that day, he look sharp :)
 so we're sitting around while I opened his gift :)
he drew us! and it's the most sweetest thing he made for me :)
he got me an animal plushie and also a little stand decoration for my phone :3
cutie rite? ;D


then we had dinner with my family, too bad Sean have to helped his mom cook :3
we have really awesome lunch-dinner :D
and then have really awesome home made cheese cake that mom made,
and we just hangout with aunt Christa and Will :)

then Sean picked me up at 7.20 (which is so late -_-) he introduced me to his family and relatives,
I'm so overwhelmed, I talked to Kayla and she's nice even Sean think she's mean o.o
he showed me his bedroom and some of his hunting stuff :3
his bedroom was awesomely neat! I feel bad for myself because I'm a girl and I didn't do as neat as him :D
we spend our night talking at his bedroom and cuddling around :3
He love me! and I love him i think I made a good choice to force him to dress up :D
he kissed me and i'm so overwhelmed :D

Best Christmas ever :)

the next day we watched Les Miserables :)
which took 2.5 hours, then Sean asked me weather mom could drop me at his house,
Thea and Matt surprised because he came from a rich family :)
I didn't think he's rich, I mean I don't really care weather he's rich or average normal economy class,
he just Sean in my eyes. I love him because he always love me and made me smile ;)
I spend like 4 hours at his place we cuddle at his couch, and it's just so cute, he love me :D
i teased him that he's trying to abused me :P
then I was hungry and he try to made me a soup :3
and it's just fail :3
his mom told me it was just the broth :D
and she gave me the real soup and it was awesome it remind me of my family, too bad i can't cry~
since i already cry for an hour :(

and he took me to the 3rd floor , told his parents we're going to watch movie but actually no :P
we just cuddling around play truth or dare and kissing :D
lols, it's just a fun night :)
then when his mom drive me home, it was snowing :)
and we both walk under the snow and he kissed me before I go into my house~
seriously, he's the perfect bf ever! i just love him so bad :)

24th December!!

So it's day 2 after 'The end of the world' day

 I'm still breathing, sit on the chair as my finger keeps typing xD

Anyway, I have to told you that this month been so nice to me, really nice to me.
About there's something about this guy that asked me to dance with him at homecoming :)

I told you already his name is Sean :3
and it turned out we like each other and at December 8 was our first date, :3
I really have fun with him and his friends, and we start dating since then !! *blushes and died*
So yea, last night I'm so glad he came over and met my mom :)
I'm so happy that my mom seemed like him, and he handled the conversation excellently!
I couldn't ask more for a boyfriend like him, :) he's just so awesome, and I'm proud of him...

Today he'll come over and drop his present for me :)))
And he'll visit his grandma and just be really nice with her, oh gee I want to hug him so badly now :)
it's just he's tooo awesome not to have a hug from me :3

And tomorrow he'd like me to come over his house and have dessert with his family :3
Omg, I freaked out when he asked me that,  I really do freaked out :3
and he said he's with me, so I shouldn't be worry about it :) and you know what?
my holiday break is just started! he'll ask me to hang out more often :)
and I just love him and can't even stand not to hold his hand xD

Anyway xD this is my options for my upcoming Prom night
I was leaning to the first one because ; It's red, drapes, satin, and awesome xD

Prom dresses :
Prom dress1
Prom dress2

Prom dress3
Prom dress4
Prom dress5
Prom dress6 

Handicraft :D

V Cutie flower V
http://bleulune.typepad.com/my_weblog/2011/05/52311-1.html

V Vintage Bracelet V
http://www.mysocalledcraftylife.com/2012/09/04/diy-sweet-hankie-bracelets/

V Butterfly chandelier V
http://heartlandpaper.typepad.com/heartland_paper/2009/08/handmade-chandeliers-on-studio-5.html

V Vintage bookmark V
http://pinterest.com/pin/186406872047050359/

V fairy lights V
http://www.prettyquirkypants.com/2012/07/06/diy-tulle-flower-fairy-lights/

V Cool flower V
http://inspiracionhechaamano.blogspot.com/2011/04/camisetas-de-algodon-reutilizacion-como.html

V Plastic flower V
http://www.duitang.com/people/mblog/11693092/detail/

V POMPOMS CUTIE :3 V
http://jenniferjohner.typepad.com/jennifer/2010/05/fabric-pom-pom-garland-tutorial.html

Friday

So today is friday,
and next week I only have 4 days which means additional free weekend for me~


anyway it's getting cold in here, it's always in range 4 celcius till -4 celcius.
I am proud of myself I could get through it everyday

It's pretty fun today, I talked to my exchange student fellow Daniel Beebe,
he's a nice guy , a cool person that I could be hanging out with :)
and Amanda Gaines birthday today which is November 9..
Vanessa's is next August 21.

So I told my story, for my extra credit in my psych class.
My psych class is getting fun and more fun..

and next project coming is to presentate in Sociology and  my English III class.
I still have to email my LC  well I mean I done it :D
so I keep getting crazy about Brandon over and over,
He's cute I love him
I keep thinking to stay with him even our future isn't clear for us.
I have to stop being mean to them, I want to be with him
but in the other side I could not breakup with fael, it's just weird, he's like a really close friend for me

I wish I could meet brandon

and I was thinking to go to the play this sunday at 2 :)
wish i could get some money from holiday present reinbursement

I am tired...

It wasn't mean that I didn't enjoy my life or
something like that it's just somehow I am tired...

I might smile, (yes, tiredly smile)
to people that are celebrating their happiness.
full of friends and love.

and me? I just realize something.
Brandon said I am important to him but he seems don't care about me.
I still haven't trust my sister
I lost the role of big brother in the house

haha~ now I am laughing at my self,
really is that what you think about all of this?

he might not be care but he said i am important to him
my sister sometimes annoying but we love her :)
well my big brother is an xx so i don't really care, since all his care about is his gf
so i am fine :)

what have I done wrong?

Soooo ... Freeday!

Yay today is Friday and I can't wait for weekends :3
This week didn't feels like a week since Hurricane Sandy just hit us hard (bur not hard enough).
I love every seconds of this week...

so I am doing math, doing my hw so I don't have hw this weekends and
It works, I only have a hw in U.S History and also English
which I am going to continue it today but not this time.

"Hey guys, Do you see how amazing math is? (pointed at the whiteboard)

  This is the reason I love math, because math is beautiful."

                                              -Ms. Buscio-

Halloween!

So this is my first halloween ever! and guess what? I love it :)
I mean who don't? carving pumpkins, wearing costumes and also get free candy!
I love it  :3

anyway so after I got home, I start to run to nana's room and help her decorate my dress and it's so pretty~ I love it soo much :) It makes me look like a bride nana laugh suddenly :)
haha so there we go, after like done some stiches
I tried get my self to carved 2 pumpkins for me and Thea.
I made a cat sittin on the roof and also a old style Harry Potter Jack'o Lantern

then trying my outfit which is really awesome, I was thinking to be a kuntilanak
but instead of kuntilanak I became a bride from hell :3
it's just to cute :D

so yea we start trick or treatin at 6pm ish I guess and ends around 9 ish~
oh my god~ from 2 - 3 hours I got a lot of candy.. and I kinda donate some for
the Macy's parade donation that Thea have. And I got that huge jar added with
Amanda Gaines' candies gave me that morning and I am soo happy :)

so yes! i love it, anyway there's a text message from Brandon :)


Me : "I am a dead bride who rose after being abused by her fiance."
Brandon : "Coolness"
Me : ":3 gonna posted my picture later."
Brandon : "OK lol"
Me : "Mwe mwe, I am searching for my groom"
Brandon : "right here"

-smiles- love is always in the air huh? it's just me who didn't notice it :)

Halloween?

So it's halloween huh? anyway it's already 81 days I am here..
It's almost 3 months~ and I am happy I could survive..

So, talking about the Hurricane Sandy, I am fine, it's just a kind of storm...
it's not bigger than the tropical storm that
I used to live with where winds blow my mom's plant and
after the storm we have to gather our plants again..

Good thing they called it day off for the Monday and Tuesday.
So I could rest, taking naps and do something relaxing.

and anyway my halloween costume almost done and I am so proud of my nana~
she took all the credit and it's so beautiful. I love her, the dress is pretty and
it's something that I could pull off anyday.

So I have school tomorrow and I am watching How I met your mother as it's so crazy
I mean I love marshall he just so awesome I mean he dressed up as Eygeptian queen then become
Capt. Jack sparrow :D

thinking about the costumes
we had this event called "Senior Dress up Day parade"
My fellow exchange student whom just came back from Japan around 6 months ago
dressed up as a soldier and he's so cool :) too bad I didn't get his picture.
MacKenzie became a cute Chinese girl and we just love her, :)
and there's also a cute lolita girl in the Toy Story

I wish I could get my feelings right~ :)
-laughing- I love him




caged mind.. waiting the key to open it



i would carve my pumpkin like this :)

:) pretty isn't it

so cute right?

I might gonna do this for my sis b'day :)

-curled on couch-

Why people are not sensitive enough to other's feelings?
It such a selfish thing to do! I want to mad but I can't.. I want to yell but it's useless.. I am dying because there's nothing I can do :( REALIZE IT PLEASE! even I can't love you it hurts to see you get sick and pretends you were fine! I'm moving on but if you do this to me I can't! I can accept you are more close to him than me.. I just need you to rest.. And be fine

sunday post!!

Today is sunday and i love it soo much...

I participate in the church today as it's a world communion as I'm the altar girl and I'm holding the bread.
Instead of saying "The body of Jesus Christ broken for you" I said it in bahasa so "Inilah Tubuh Yesus Kristus yang dipersembahkan untumu" which is a bit crazy I suppose. Since it's ummm~ a methodist church.
so anyway today also my mom's birthday, I dk what to gave her but I'm preparing a song for her.
I'm planning to play it infront of her but my pinkie finger's muscle just have a cramps and I hate it
and i'm trying to finish the chord anyway

and we eat in the Olive garden, as we went to shoes and bags shop :3 *yay* and I try some boots! which is i never thought to wear it but it's awesome :3 knee length is sooo cute! I have to have one :3
anyway I have Venetian Chicken Apricot today and it's awesome, the apricot sauce, Asparagus, broccoli, tomatoes and also the grilled chicken is awesome!!! OMG OMG and the leftover red velvet cheesecake is so suitable with it :3
anyway yesterday we went to Rhode Island to shop at Providence Place which is like Indonesia's PP :D and I love it, geee I buy thea's chrismast present there and I got 6 cool clothes for fall and winter~ :3
it's pretty and I'm dying to buy summer dresses but I can't ;(
anyway that day I start to fall in love in boots :D

haha nevermind I got some cool stuffs and i eat crispy artichoke heart, something like springrolls :3 *OMG I HAVE TO COOK SPRINGROLLS FOR THEM!!!*
and also something like pizza :3

so far I love Massachusetts and I don't wanna leave yet, it's just
will it be the same if I decided to visit them?
I want visit them, with him maybe :) and I'll introduce him to them :)

Fade Now? or Later?

Recent cold makes my grades falling down to B's and I hate it :(
I'm trying my best as I work my ass off, I only do good at math.
My English is a wreck I got 66 only at my essay :(
and the vocabulary test did not satisfy me at all 9 out of 11? Seriously!
I could do better!

I know I'm being pushy to my self, but it's just I could do better.

I felt nostalgic but, not sad. It happens because of the rains recently pouring.
it's just Rain, Wet, Cold, Moist Air, Fall, Red-orange leaves creating weird feeling like a ghost.
When every perfect dream seems foggy.

It doesn't mean I didn't miss my home,
I might missed it but pretends you didn't makes you stronger don't you think so?
I want a good year. A good life.

 

the forgotten one

I know I haven't talk much at this blog. It doesn't mean I forget about this, it's just getting busy.
Things working well here, I haven't cried and missing my home, yet...
but gee I dk when I saw the YBA Karawang's blog I feels like I'm home, and I want to come to their activity and I just realize, " Oh wait! I'm in USA not in Indonesia how do I manage to get there?" and yes, I'm laughing on myself :)

Anyway, my best friend had her sweet seventeen at September 26, so it's recently and I've called her said I love her as my best friend and I do missed her :) she loves my gift to her, and I'm really glad tho she likes it. Then I call Rafael. I miss him so much :) Seeing him feels like a year ago and I like how he made me laugh :)

anyway I think I've entering my curve long time ago and I just realize it :)
see how fake smiles and fake laugh helps you? :)
sometimes you need time for yourself, I'm lucky that I'm working at library where the books are everywhere
surrounds me and I'm not lonely...

And if I do~ I'm craving attention to pets in here, I often hugs Pixie more than everyone does that time. But I still hold on not to cry~ :) I think I need rest, since I need it, and I think I should download some of Yiruma's song. It's soothing~ I feel brave and calm as he speaks through his melody. I want to learn his song...
I know I need to walk outside now :) I'd like to do that after shower maybe :)



another song from yiruma that I just fall for :)
Yiruma - Time Forgets
Yiruma - The View From My Window
Yiruma - Beloved
Yiruma - Sunny Rain
Yiruma - One Day Diary
Yiruma - Dream
Yiruma - Lord.. Hold My Hand
Yiruma - Love Hurts
Yiruma - Tears On Love
Yiruma - Poem

Even you missing someone deeply, keep there, You'll survive.

call me "love me" :)

Love me is actually a song that Yiruma composed 2001 in his album First Love

I missed this song so bad :)
It seems I could see my self and my journey in that song.
It's so soothing, It makes me feels like I don't have to worry about tomorrow and just walk
the path will lead you...

I always cry listening to this one, seeing the sky on Medway sometimes remind me of this song.
Bright blue sky with lots hope and things overwhelmed in my mind.
I'm in love with Massachusetts' sky and also the pretty trees that start to changed as fall coming.

belle.. belle mon journee..

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things 
that escape those who dream only at night.
-Edgar Allen Poe 

good night, bonne nuit mon ami :)

 

little bird came and whisper to me
they said you'll leave, why you should leave?
if you leave will you look after me? If you leave will you talk to me
who will I talk to? will you be there when I need you?
:( I'm sad. Please just stay, why won't you stay?

I didn't move on :)
I just walks and be honest to me, I don't want to think about anything for future :)
all I want to do is treasure each time, :)
and I don't want to stop loving you. because It's just me :)
and Let me love you even you didn't let me, because at least that's the only thing that I couldn't fight

Where are you?

I tried to contact you but i've nothing left.
I try to online both on the chatroom but you never show up.
I missed you please just talk to me, where are you?
:( don't avoid me please, now I'm crazily need and think about you over and over~

-sighs heavily and burst into tears-

Idk~

anyway I keep feeling insecure~ :(
I felt scared, heart broken and starts to get crazy since like it's 2 days I haven't talk to Angelo~ :(
He's giving up on me :( and he said someone will fix me, but I don't want someone I want him :(
I think because of my behavior accusing him and keep behave bad to Novytart made him hate me :(
and it's hurt me badly but I don't want to make him sad, and even pretending also bad for me because I dishonest to him. and now he's keeping a distance and it's hurts to see it like that. I wish I had a chance to see him that it's really hurt me. It's just the feelings for him is true